emotions and memories

Håkan Hellström, my favourite and has been forever. His music always makes me so happy and I love the lyrics in the songs. Always meaningful.
The other day he released a new single, I didn’t even know about it until my feed was full of updates with his new song.

Since my nan Linnea passed away earlier this year, I stopped listening to him, probably because it was to emotional, Håkan was Linne’s favourite to.  So when the song came out on Friday morning –
I couldn’t stop crying. So many feelings at the same time, happiness and sorrow and lots of grief, all came out.

Suddenly I remembered I’m not able to visit my nan and play her the new single over a cup of coffee. That’s what we’ve been doing the last 12 years or so. Enjoying his songs together, and she always said;
if I could meet him once again… Do you think he will play in Varberg anytime soon ?

Just after her 95th birthday Håkan came for a visit. We had coffee in the garden and both Linne’a and Håkan could barely stop talking. Two old souls, together over cups of coffee. Such a magical day.

I shared so much with her, sometimes I was there a few times a week, sometimes every day. She always wanted to hear the latest gossip and what was going on. It’s deeply saddening that I never had the chance to tell her I was pregnant.

Releasing these feelings on Friday morning made me think of her love for Christmas too, now we’re almost there. Her month – I’m not lying when I say she decorated her whole house with over 2000 santas. At least.
This year the house is empty and quiet.
I don’t know if it’s me nesting for our baby but this Christmas feels like my favourite month more than ever before. Maybe my nan passed her love for Christmas on to me.

When I seen my mid wife last Tuesday we talked about my due date and how close it is now, I asked about the day the baby was conceived, it takes a few weeks for the egg to be fertilised so according to a calendar she had and knowing about my cycle, it most likely that this took place on 21st of March.

21st of March is the day I sat and held my nan’s hand and said good bye for the last time.
When a life ends another begins, the mid wife said.

This year has been my toughest one so far, loosing my closest familymember.

As much as it has been my best year – carrying a baby that will be my biggest love.



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5 thoughts on “emotions and memories

  1. I am named Kristina. I was born 10 December. My grandma passed away in April before my Mum found out she was pregnant with me. My grandma never knew about me. But her name was Meta Christine. I was named after my Mum’s Mum. I am told I have her calm nature. All the best to you these days. Look forward to the new life, take it easy… 💙 Love, Kristina